So lately everything has just been getting worse for me, and it's all in my head. It's like yeah I know it is, and I know my life isn't terrible... But everything feels like it falling apart in front of me.
I'm so stressed about quite a few things, finding a bigger affordable place, money in general, if i will be a good mother at all, that my dad is in the hospital... There is 4 months to go with this pregnancy, I am scared of birth. Sometimes I keep thinking I'm just not ready for this baby, not at all. Then I feel bad for thinking that I may not want my kid, inside I know I do.
I just feel like everything is so out of control, and so if I can't even control my life/mind sober and not on meds... What good am I? That doesn't make me a good person... At least it doesn't feel like it.
Everyone tells me I'm going to be great mom, and that I'm a wonderful person.
Why am I the only one that thinks I'm not?
I keep wishing I could drink again, take drugs and just numb the pain within. But I can't ever again. I see a cousellor and it's not helping at all.
I'm starting to consider going back on medication again, but I fear harming the baby.
Ahhh! I'm just so confused!!! What is real anymore? Where am I?
It's just so stupid, why can't it be simple?

Anyway, other than that...
My dad had to go to the hospital because his depression got so bad he was getting suicidal. I tried to visit him and bring him some personal affects, but he refused visitors. That amde me cry, we gave the stuff for him to the nurse. At least he's safe and can get back on meds to being stabilized and healthy. I just wish he'd see me... 
But whatever, why would anyone want to see ME? It doesn't matter what I do for people, no one will like me in the end anyway.
On a completely different topic...
I still haven't gone to the gym I signed up to a week or so ago. We are planning to go tonight for sure... I bought pants and some middle priced exercise shoes for inside the gym (can't track mud all over...) So hopefull that will help.

Yesterday I (well, we) finally got around to setting up the "new" fish tank my nanny gave me. It was for my female betta fish, she's red and he rname is Angie. The only problem was, one pice was missing so we couldn't get the lid on at all... So we just put the filter on and used cardboard to cover the top thinking it'd be alright. We put Angie in her new home and she was content as can be swimming around in her new larger home (her other tank, no more like fish bowl is small in comparison). So we left her over night in there, woke up this morning I saw her swimming around. Good I thought, the cardboard did stop her from jumping out.
Wow, I was wrong... A little while later I walked by and I couldn't see her, there is a cave thing in there, so I figured she had hide herself in there. About an hour later I walked by, still no sign of her. I thought this was really weird... So my fiance and I looked and looked, we even reached in and moved the cave. She wasn't in there. Then I realised, she must have jumped out, but where?! We have a cat, so we were worried that she ate it. But there was no way Angie could have jumped out the front of the tank. There was a gap in the back though, the tank is on top of a movable cupboard in our kitchen, instantly I figured she must be behind there. Honestly though I feared the worst, I'd almost rather her have been eaten by my cat then have a slow suffocating death behind the cupboard.
So my fiance moved the cupboard and looked while I held the cat, yep there she was, unmoving and full of dust and hair. We just put her in her new tank, she finally got to have some new freedom and a nice big tank... She jumps out the morning after and dies. It made me feel so sad for some reason, I'm just really sensitive, I have always been.

Although it doesn't stop here...

I told my fiance to scoop her up, MAYBE she might still be alive... it didn't look like it, I mean it have been an hour or so, she was covered in dust and not moving... For some reason anyway I had some hope. My finace quickly filled up a measureing cup with tap water and dropper her in, she floated to the top unmoving. I started to cry and I held my cat (my cat was more curious, I bet she wanted that fish). I felt kind of stupid crying over a fish, but I let it out anyway... My fiance looked just as sad. I walked over and looked at my fishy. I'd had her for months... I know fish die eventually, but I didn't want it to be this way. Then I noticed something...

Her gills were pulsing again!!!

I wondered at first if maybe it was an illusion, that water was just filling her up or something. I kept watching and I became convinced she had started breathing again. So I put on a glove and reached in and started to push he deeper into the water to make it easier for her. I let go, she floated up again, I was determined though. I pushed her down, then I started to stroke her to get the dust and hairs off of her scaly body. Her fin started to move, but only one... I thought to myself if maybe it would be worse for her to come back to life if she's gimped like that. I internally decided if she made no recovery I would kill her quickly and swiftly. That time didn't come yet though, I know she's need some time, get the dust off her sides and being able to breath again. I mean I wouldn't expect a coma paitent to pop out of bed and dance around after waking up. So I kept up with poking and gently stroking the dust and debris off her. Then happily her other fin started to move and she would occasionally jerk away from my intruding finger.

I was seriously amazed at this point, I did not know you could revive your fish after that.
Only my hope discovered this... What if I had just given up and threw her away?

I couldn't though, inside I knew.
It just really makes me think about life and the decisions people make.

Right now she's in her tank relaxing, she swims occasionally. I don't know if she'll be better fully ever.
For now she's on observation, I have no idea if she might randomly die. I hope not, I hope she makes the full recovery.

If not, at least I tried... So we'll see.