Monday, 19 January 2009

  • Downward I fly...

    So lately everything has just been getting worse for me, and it's all in my head. It's like yeah I know it is, and I know my life isn't terrible... But everything feels like it falling apart in front of me.
    I'm so stressed about quite a few things, finding a bigger affordable place, money in general, if i will be a good mother at all, that my dad is in the hospital... There is 4 months to go with this pregnancy, I am scared of birth. Sometimes I keep thinking I'm just not ready for this baby, not at all. Then I feel bad for thinking that I may not want my kid, inside I know I do.
    I just feel like everything is so out of control, and so if I can't even control my life/mind sober and not on meds... What good am I? That doesn't make me a good person... At least it doesn't feel like it.
    Everyone tells me I'm going to be great mom, and that I'm a wonderful person.
    Why am I the only one that thinks I'm not?
    I keep wishing I could drink again, take drugs and just numb the pain within. But I can't ever again. I see a cousellor and it's not helping at all.
    I'm starting to consider going back on medication again, but I fear harming the baby.
    Ahhh! I'm just so confused!!! What is real anymore? Where am I?
    It's just so stupid, why can't it be simple?

    Anyway, other than that...
    My dad had to go to the hospital because his depression got so bad he was getting suicidal. I tried to visit him and bring him some personal affects, but he refused visitors. That amde me cry, we gave the stuff for him to the nurse. At least he's safe and can get back on meds to being stabilized and healthy. I just wish he'd see me... 
    But whatever, why would anyone want to see ME? It doesn't matter what I do for people, no one will like me in the end anyway.
    On a completely different topic...
    I still haven't gone to the gym I signed up to a week or so ago. We are planning to go tonight for sure... I bought pants and some middle priced exercise shoes for inside the gym (can't track mud all over...) So hopefull that will help.

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